This is a really raw journal entry from 2018……

"March of 2015 I started supervising a woman to get her license. In September 2017 I got a Medicaid audit. In December of 2017 they came for my files and in January of 2018 I was notified I am being questioned if I unknowingly or knowingly committed fraud.

I had no clue this was even a possibility. We were just powering through until she could be on her own and maintaining what was best for our clients. She does amazing work. She is a LAC 49 year old recovering alcoholic with 10 years under her belt. Since this all started I have felt so clueless about what was going on. I never in a million years thought I was stealing I thought I was contributing to the world in a positive way.

Last week the agent told me he needed to question me and I still didn’t understand and felt like no one would answer any of my questions including the people I had initial contact with. As the conversation progressed I became emotional. I continued to be very tearful ‪through Saturday morning‬. I did begin having waves of feeling “things will be fine.” I have been utilizing my husband and family and friends for support but do not want a lot of people to know. At times I feel like I failed people. Other times I feel like I was such an idiot. I continually try to access my breath, my faith, hot yoga and meditation to stay centered. Finding out I will have a criminal record, I question if people will still want me in their life like my friends and if people will look at me like I’m a bad person.

I feel mostly waves of sadness, anger, defeat and peace here and there. I want to believe this is a piece of my story that will just lead to my next calling. I always wanted to help and spread love. At this point I feel like my wants and needs look like closing this chapter cleanly. I will no longer have my partner on board with me and she is on her own. She decided to see people for free. I want to continue to help and love. I want to love myself through this and know this doesn’t change anything about the core of me. I have control over my response to this and the lesson I learn. A huge fear for me is being separated from my children. In my rational mind I know they won’t put me in prison for this but I also know that could happen.

On Tuesday I was questioned by the agent. I felt good about how I answered but it also gave me the feeling that I was foolish to not know better. I also felt like what the hell happened with all my experiences in the past, following peoples lead and trusting in things I should not have. When I reflected on me being supervised I thought what the hell was all that. I cried a lot. I felt drained I felt defeated. My husband is feeling my distance and more stress than he wants to acknowledge so has been checked out. I’m trying to keep moving forward but I don’t feel like I’m gaining. My kids need me and I need them which has been a love/hate relationship. I want to check out, sleep, run away, drink but I don’t because I’m a better mom than that. I ask myself, do I want to go to sleep until this passes and miss everything, all that life has to offer or so I want to keep going so I can still embrace the good. I’m physically sick, I can’t eat, my nervous system is strung out. I decided to cancel clients the rest of the week. I can’t stay present and I am treading water and I’m wearing out. I want to isolate. I don’t want to fake happy I don’t want to say I’m a mess but I don’t want to say I’m ok either. Yesterday I got the news a gal I’ve known since I was a child and lives in my hometown was killed in a car wreck. She has an infant and a grade school child, I think to myself her story has ended and this is just a minor detail in mine. I am trying so hard to surrender but fear keeps pulling me back. I want it to stop, I need to keep moving one second at a time."

On November 4th, 2021, I received the last letter, closing this chapter of my life. This is the picture of my hand on that letter.

I am free

I am liberated

I am a victor


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